How to Handle Disappointment: Why Unmet Expectations Trigger Anger in Men
I was a late bloomer as a kid. Most adults assumed I was much younger than I actually was.
I vividly remember the end of fifth grade during "Graduation Sunday" at church. All of my friends were called up in front of the congregation to receive a gift for moving on to middle school.
My name was never called.
Because I had near-perfect attendance, I was confused. I assumed it was a punishment for something I didn't do.
This exact scenario proceeded to happen again at my middle school graduation. By that time, I had been an active, attending student for eight straight years.
Yes, I felt left out. But the more accurate emotion? Anger. I was angry because I was deeply disappointed.
Sometimes, uncontrolled anger bursts out of us because we are harboring a slow-burning feeling of disappointment. At its core, disappointment is just an expectation of a specific result at a specific time. When the result or the timing is off, we get hit with a wave of frustration.
It happens at work, at home, and even at church.
We intellectually chalk it up to 'in God's time.' But let’s be honest, that cliché, no matter how true, isn’t strong enough to kill our anger or satisfy our demand to make things right.
Let’s look at the logic. When God says "No" to your expectation right now, He is simultaneously saying "Yes" to something else. It is like saying "No" to a second slice of cake so you can say "Yes" to a sub-10-minute mile. The No and the Yes go together.
Even though I got a bunch of No’s during my childhood, I was gaining Yes’s along the way. Sitting on the sidelines was painful, but it gave me endless practice watching people and behavior. Today, my peers tell me I'm highly self-aware, and my wife says my superpower is "putting words to a person's experience." That was all forged while I was eating those No’s as a kid. God was preparing me to become a Yes for something else.
So, what is God saying Yes to in your life while you are bombarded with No's at every turn?
Moses, Rejection, and the Power of a Delayed "Yes"
Think of Moses and the ten plagues. We usually look at this Bible story strictly as an epic display of God’s strength. We rarely stop to think about the physical and mental toll of the ten consecutive "No’s" Moses got from Pharaoh before the breakthrough happened.
Because we read the story in hindsight, we assume those ten disappointing rejections were a piece of cake for Moses. But as men, we know that rejection wears you down.
You cannot avoid disappointing moments in life. But you can trust that just like with Moses, God is timing the No's to unleash a Yes of total deliverance at the exact right moment.
God has said Yes even though all you feel currently is No.
How the CAPS Method Handles Disappointment
What do you do until you figure out God’s Yes? You lean into the Capability and Accountability pillars of the CAPS Method.
1. Keep Building Your Capability as Worship
Do not let instant gratification or public recognition be your motivator to acquire skills, build physical strength, or grow your business. If you rely on a quick dopamine hit of praise, you will fall off the wagon the second disappointment hits.
Even when you feel unrecognized, keep building your personal capability as an act of worship and faithfulness to God's timing.
2. Use Accountability to Release the Poison
Accountability builds endurance. Disappointment is deeply painful. Externalizing your frustrations with a group of trusted men is like draining a deadly poison from your body.
Your brotherhood might not have all the answers. The goal isn't to find a secret cheat code to override God's No. The goal is to release the pressure of that pain in an appropriate environment before it explodes as uncontrolled anger in another area of your life.
Are you harboring disappointment today? Stop letting it brew into unplanned bouts of anger. Handle your disappointment with the CAPS Method. Keep your focus on building your capability, and find a trusted space to stay accountable.
Comments